I imagined holiday blogs filled with pictures of a crazy-haired toddler tearing into presents… glowing photos in front of the tree… candid smiles that would speak volumes of joyful Christmas memories. But, our holidays brought some unexpected sadness. Two days before Christmas, after almost 95 years on this earth, my Grandan went home - to heaven. While our holidays were bittersweet, his Christmas was undoubtedly his best ever, for he celebrated our Savior’s birthday with Him.
For nearly two weeks, I have intended share something of his life, his faith, the lessons he taught, and I still hope to do that, but first, let me share a very special & unexpected lesson from the Goose…
One of the toughest parts of losing someone you love is explaining that loss. I had the special challenge of sharing the news of Grandan’s death with the oldest & youngest members of our family: my grandmother & my daughter. Both looked at me with a bit of confusion & surprise when I shared the news of Grandan’s “home-going” (as one friend so aptly put it), but after a few questions, both seemed to take the news in stride. Both were happy that Grandan was now in Heaven with Jesus.
At first, the Goose asked such sweet and heartfelt questions that she brought tears to all of our eyes…
As she ran down the hall at Granny’s house, looked in each room, turned back & asked:
“Where’s Grandan?” “When’s he coming back?” "When will we see him?”…
When we pulled up at Granny’s house days later:
“Everybody’s here,” the Goose cheerfully announced,
“But Grandan’s not. He’s in heaven.” …
When we read the story of Jesus’ birth on Christmas Eve:
“Grandan’s with Jesus too!” she proudly proclaimed.
How awesome… the faith of a child.
Then, a few nights ago, after life had begun to settle down… the Goose was busy playing, when all of a sudden, she runs in the kitchen and asks her Daddy,
“When are we going to heaven?” My ears perked up, but I don’t remember his answer… I just remember the concern in her voice… I called for her to come sit with me, and when she walked around the corner I saw tears running down her sweet face. When I asked why she was crying, she said,
“Because I don’t want to go to heaven.”
“Why don’t you want to go to heaven?” I asked.
“Because I want to come back home.” The tears, her quivering chin, so sincere, & so sad.
I held her tight & tried to fight back my own tears… I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. How do you explain heaven to a three year old?
“We’re not going to heaven today,” I reassured her,
“but some day we will all go there and live with Jesus & that will be good, won’t it?”
“No,” she replied.
“I don’t want to go.”
“Are you crying because you’re sad that Grandan’s gone to heaven and we won’t see him for a while?”
The Goose nodded.
“Well we will see him again someday, just probably not very soon.”
“But when is he coming back to Granny’s house?”
“He’s not. He has a new home, in Heaven with Jesus.”
We talked again about how Grandan was old & sick… how he was tired & his body just didn’t work anymore. So Jesus brought him to heaven to live with Him & now he’s not tired any more. I told her how Heaven is a wonderful place, where no one is ever sad, or sick, & we get to live with Jesus & lots of other people we love. I told her how Grandan’s Mama was in heaven, & Gamma’s Mommy & Daddy, & Grandaddy’s Mommy & Daddy. And someday, we will all go to Heaven & be together FOREVER.
I paused, glancing down to see her little eyes still filled with tears. I took a deep breath & kept searching for the right words to reassure her…
“I know heaven is hard to understand… there are a lot of grown-ups who don’t understand heaven. But because Jesus loves us & because we do our best to love Him, when we die, we get to go to Heaven and live FOREVER. It’s a happy place & we will all live there together, forever and ever, and we’ll have LOTS of time to play… We’ll never say, “hurry hurry! We’re late!” because we will have all the time in the world to play together and…”
“Will there be a nursery with babies (she means dolls, FYI)
for us to play with in heaven?” The Goose interrupted, with her very serious question.
I reassured her that there would be plenty of toys to play with (I hope I’m not wrong!). Her Daddy chimed in that there will be cows there too. (You see, Grandan was very worried about this & in his last visit with his pastor, he inquired as to whether there will be cattle in heaven… he was serious too… and I hope for him that heaven is filled with cows.)
“Yes goose, there are lots of things to do & play with, lots of time, and lots of people that we love. But best of all, we get to meet Jesus. You know how we can’t see Jesus but we love him anyway?” the goose nodded.
“Well, when we get to heaven, we will see him! And we’ll see Grandan again too. And just like Jesus lives in our heart & we love him even if we can’t see him, Grandan lives in our hearts too, as long as we remember him, and we still love him too. It’s ok to cry because we miss him, but he is happy in heaven, and someday… someday we’ll be happy there too. Because God would never ever take us anywhere that wasn’t good.”
I think I rambled some more, but I don’t know what I said… and I doubt the Goose does either. Gone were the days of cheerfully announcing that
“Grandan’s not here. He’s in heaven. With Jesus.” Just a week before, we were amazed at how well she seemed to understand & what an amazing grasp children have on faith…. The faith of a child… we praise it… we long for it, but really, what the goose showed me is that even a faithful child thinks. For two weeks, she’s been thinking… Grandan’s gone… he’s in heaven… he’s with Jesus… we can’t see him… he’s not coming back… he’s not coming back… I think it finally hit her… he’s not coming back. We thought she took it so well… we marveled at her innocence & trust, but even at three… she questioned. She didn’t understand… we don’t understand… so she questioned… and we question.
I always thought that having faith like a child meant blindly following… trusting completely, and I still believe that is true, but now… I also believe that having faith like a child means being honest, with ourselves & God. We don’t understand. We get scared. We don’t want to leave this earth, and yet… We love God, we want to be with Him… Forever. So what do we do? We curl up in His lap, we shed a few tears, we ask some tough questions, and our faith grows.
How awesome… the faith of a child.
At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.
~Matthew 11:25-26
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
~Matthew 18:1-4
